Another meltdown weekend. If you haven't figured out by now, I have issues. Most days I am on my game at work - i can kick ass at work. Home is a different story - I never know what is going on when I walk in the door. Will my 17 year old be home, and not out with friends that she hasn't told me about? Will my son be home earlier than unusal because either he or his boss got pissed off and SOMEONE lost their job (usually it's gonna be the son).
This weekend I was supposed to help my sister move. Everything was on schedule, meeting Saturday morning after breakfast. Friday night i get a call that my other sister, and her husband were on their way to help. They live in Alabama. I love my sister from Alabama, but her redneck, ignorant-ass husband is more than I can take. Which brings me to my question of the day.
How secret/serious does a "family secret" have to be to be buried with the only two people who know about it? I have held something inside of me for 30+ years. At first I dealt with it, in my awkward bad-decision-making teenage way. Then I dealt with in during 18 years of marriage - and it affected it and my attitude towards my ex. It has affected my self-image, and my ability to see the beauty in me. It has taking me a long time (too long) to understand that I am intelligent, funny, and I am capable of kickin ass when called upon. I still think that I am overweight (that one's pretty obvious), not pretty, and no way will I ever find a man who can love me the I want to be loved - only love me the way i think I deserved to be love. Not sure if any of that makes sense, but it's just kinda oozing out, and I have to type it before i lose it.
So, the closer i get to moving away from all this dysfunction, (349 days and counting) the more I am losing control of "dealing" with it. What's up with that????? geez. I swear I have no idea where to go from here.
