It's a Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood....

Omg different day, different shit... I swear it's been something new every day this week.

First let me say that I LOVE my children. I will lay down my life for them... sometimes I want to lay down THEIR lives for what they put me through - but hey, their kids, it's their job, right?

Divorced mothers and fathers: it's all a points system... Don't EVEN try to tell me you don't keep score- I'll never believe you.

My daughter “Lola” was 11 when her father and I divorced and for the next 4 years she put me through hell (I gave a good bit back to her) and her father did nothing except open the gates of hell and try to push me in. As the years went by, and she began to see how much I struggled and tried to make a good life for her, she softened and realized how much I love her and how much I will do for her. I even took a part-time job and worked 70 hours a week for 9 months when her dad stopped paying child support. I don't understand how a father can ignore his daughter and not want to help support her. He never gave her anything extra and didn't pay much child support to begin with. I speak mainly about Lola because my son turned 18 shortly after the divorce. Anyway, time goes on and they grow farther apart, only speaking a few times a year (he lives about 15-20 min away).

Last weekend, my Ex-husband (I swear I'm gonna kick his ass one day) TOTALLY (dude), told my son that he wanted to give 17-yr-old Lola a car. So Lola goes crazy with excitement, and goes to see him. She comes home Monday on cloud nine. MAMA (my heart melts when she calls me mama) she says, DADDY (my head explodes when she calls him daddy lol) IS GIVING ME A CAR!! WHOOHOO! She describes the car and I listen patiently, thinking in my head "what's the catch?"... Then the other shoe drops... she says, "all it needs is a transmission". ALL it needs?? Seriously??? Now who do you think that THEY think is going to pay for the new transmission? In addition to the insurance, taxes, tag, maintenance, etc... I was so freakin pissed. That A-hole did it to me again. All he's doing is getting a piece of junk moved off his yard. He gets credit for giving her a car, and Kelly doesn't understand that's it not really a car if it doesn't run. He's not putting any money into this. It's not costing him a dime. Then, if Lola takes it, and I pay for the transmission, it will always be "the car that daddy gave me", who gives a crap about the several thousand dollar transmission... So now, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to talk to Lola without being the "Bad Guy" AGAIN.
Boys are stoopid
THEN, last night I'm watching the Republican convention. I told myself that I was going to be objective. Listen to what they had to say and carefully weigh my decision. Yeah right. 3 minutes into Joe Lieberman's speech I realized that they have more issues than I do... ANYWAY I smell something (not Joe’s speech!), but can't figure out what it is. I go to the hall and my heart skips a beat. My daughter... my beautiful daughter, with the GORGEOUS blonde hair - has colored her hair with a permanent BLACK magic marker. OMG. Her official senior class picture is in 5 days. I think I'm gonna kick her ass too.

AND for some reason, I'm feeling really unattractive and undesirable - hence yesterday's blog. I want to leave here (Georgia) so badly. It's killing me to wait until next summer/fall. I know I have to wait, but I'm miserable here. Seriously miserable.

Ok... can't see anymore through the tears. Gotta go blow my nose... how attractive is that? signed, snotty EAR

Looking for Like?

Sigh. Looking for Mr. Right is turning into looking for "Mr. I'll take watcha got." Why is this so difficult? Is there something so TERRIBLY repulsive about me that I can't seem to find anyone? I'm not a super model but I'm surely not super unattractive either (am i??? yikes). I'm fairly intelligent (I have a college degree-and-a-half), I feel I have a good sense of humor, and I make a decent salary. I'm definitely not a gold-digger (although having gold is a plus!)...

I just don't understand what the deal is. Sucks to be me right now.

Where's that damned line I'm not supposed to cross???

Another meltdown weekend. If you haven't figured out by now, I have issues. Most days I am on my game at work - i can kick ass at work. Home is a different story - I never know what is going on when I walk in the door. Will my 17 year old be home, and not out with friends that she hasn't told me about? Will my son be home earlier than unusal because either he or his boss got pissed off and SOMEONE lost their job (usually it's gonna be the son).

This weekend I was supposed to help my sister move. Everything was on schedule, meeting Saturday morning after breakfast. Friday night i get a call that my other sister, and her husband were on their way to help. They live in Alabama. I love my sister from Alabama, but her redneck, ignorant-ass husband is more than I can take. Which brings me to my question of the day.

How secret/serious does a "family secret" have to be to be buried with the only two people who know about it? I have held something inside of me for 30+ years. At first I dealt with it, in my awkward bad-decision-making teenage way. Then I dealt with in during 18 years of marriage - and it affected it and my attitude towards my ex. It has affected my self-image, and my ability to see the beauty in me. It has taking me a long time (too long) to understand that I am intelligent, funny, and I am capable of kickin ass when called upon. I still think that I am overweight (that one's pretty obvious), not pretty, and no way will I ever find a man who can love me the I want to be loved - only love me the way i think I deserved to be love. Not sure if any of that makes sense, but it's just kinda oozing out, and I have to type it before i lose it.

So, the closer i get to moving away from all this dysfunction, (349 days and counting) the more I am losing control of "dealing" with it. What's up with that????? geez. I swear I have no idea where to go from here.