No longer waiting to exhale...

Friends are the people who let you be yourself... and never let you forget it.

I really didn't like that movie, "Waiting to Exhale"... just seemed too bitter to me. I completely get that Bernie was pissed - who can blame her? Geesh. I'm just not a "sell everything for $1 and burn the rest" kinda girl. God knows, I have every reason to be - just don't have his car or anything of real value that he left behind! Besides, we've tried the bonfire thing, and I don't really need another visit from the police or fire department lol!

For all of October and November, I was completely caught up with T - forgetting who I am, and what I am all about. In the past two weeks I have discovered new friends, and more importantly, that my old friends love me, and let me be myself.

I think that's one of the main reasons why this ordeal hasn't broken my spirit - and only strengthened my determination to reach my goals and find true happiness.

Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks.

ok, sorry about the movie quotes, but I'm feeling a little Forrest, Forrest Gumpy. Hopefully, I'll get over it soon. See? My blogs are like a box of chocolate... you never know what your gonna get!

Today has been a sad day. I've been cooped up in my house for 3 days - thanks to me bragging that I "Never get the flu"... omg how can that much snot come out of one person's nose??

So I guess today I just a little cabin feverish and lonely. And craving shrimp. lol

I missed having T around today. I would notice little things around the house that he did, and I miss him. I miss laughing and yeah, even arguing. I would have been nice to have someone around to take care of me these past 3 days.

If I catch myself watching Family Guy once more... I will scream. Slingblade came on yesterday. I watched it. And recorded it. lol

I like the way you talk...mmmhmmm

and that's all I got to say about that...

Everything I need to know, I learned from Katt & Forrest...

I'm still working through my thoughts and emotions right now, and I figured that attempting to put them down here will help me figure things out.

First, let me introduce you to Luna. Isn't she a cutie? She has "fringe" on the ends of her ears - T said, like Lunatic Fringe - hence the name Luna. She's a real sweetheart.


Second, the reason for the "back pedaling and re-evaluating" post was that T is no longer living here. I was really disappointed, but funny thing is, I was more upset about being alone and not having a partner than I was about him leaving. I really miss having him around because he made us laugh SO MUCH... omg sometimes I would cry from laughing so hard! Did I, did I ever! Mornin' daddy! Time for some serul!

Some of my friends and family won't like that I still consider him a friend, and he taught me several things: patience (he can be a real ), tolerance, and empathy. He reminded me that sometimes it's NOT all about me (surprising at it may seem), and that compromise and giving each other space is vital to making a relationship work. He showed my kids that I'm not so bad and I can be cool sometimes. Most importantly, he reminded me that I should never lose sight of myself. I've always known that, I just forget all about it when I look into those eyes. If only I could be one of those people who never make eye contact lol.

Jenny: Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be?
Forrest: Who I'm gonna be?
Jenny: Yeah.
Forrest: Aren't I going to be me?

Bottom line: my life is actually better because he was and hopefully still is, a part of it. There are still some hurt feelings for me to work through, but nothing that true friendship can't conquer. My mistake is that I was trying to make something more of what we had. Anyway, T, if you're reading this, you're always welcome in our lives. Luna, Rebel, Chevy & Lacey miss you like crazy!

Okay - on to my next 'victim' lol poor guy, doesn't even know what's coming!

Back Pedaling and Re-Evaluating My Priorities...

Stay Tuned....

Thanks Y'all

Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday. I love gathering with my family - laughing, eating, laughing some more, eating some more, playing games, eating again... I am never so happy to be so miserably stuffed any other day of the year. No gifts, no frantic shopping, no stress, just amazing food and even more amazing family and friends.

I have never, ever, in my whole life been away from my family for Thanksgiving and I cannot imagine what that's like. I grew up in Georgia, always around my family and no matter how crazy they make me (and I make them), Thanksgiving is always cool.

This year I have a lot to be thankful for:

T, you're awesome. I see you struggle sometimes, and your strength is amazing to me.
K, you're my beautiful baby girl and I'm so very proud of you.
S, you've become a really cool young man. I know you'll find your way soon.

It’s My Birthday, It’s My Birthday…

Other than “Fiddy” showing up to sing for me (with his shirt off, of course), I don’t think I could ask for anything more for my birthday weekend. I have incredible friends who are the best support system I could ever imagine, great kids, and of course, my BFF, T (aka HB). We have a birthday dinner planned with good friends and good food, and Life is Good!


Think it’s only a coincidence that this is my 44th birthday, and just 4 days ago (on the 4th) Barack Obama was elected as the 44th president of the United States?? No Way! Life is Good!






http://www.lifeisgood.com/

Can't We Just Hire a Pool Boy?

Something I’ve learned this week: building a relationship is like having a pool. Maintenance is a pain in the ass (IS it!, Is it ever!). The cleaning, the scooping, the testing to make sure the chemicals are balanced – it’s a lot of work – every day. Constantly. (sigh). But we do all that hard work, not only to protect our investment but also so we can relax, chill out, and enjoy the fun – a fresh, clean, invigorating or relaxing swim. In relationships, sometimes we have to walk away and clear our minds (the cleaning and clearing debris), we talk things out and sometimes disagree (the scooping), and agree to disagree, compromise and figure out a solution (balancing the chemicals) so that we can relax and enjoy the fun of being together.

Sometimes being with T is a lot of work, a lot of times it’s so much fun (omg I laugh so hard I cry), and lots of times it’s just comfortable and reassuring. When times are hard, and seem impossible to get through, I think, can’t we just “hire a pool boy” to do all this hard work? But afterwards, I realize that we have to get through it in order to grow. Going through the tough times reminds me that I can’t take any of the fun parts of our relationship for granted. Even though having a pool boy would be convenient (and fun for ONE of us!), we’ll keep cleaning, scooping, and balancing – because there’s nothing more rewarding than a cool dip in a clear, well-balanced relationship, uhhh I mean pool.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does...

We all do stupid things. Don'tcha just hate it when you're about to say or do something stupid and you can hear that little voice in your head saying, "don't do it" or "shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" but you still do or say it anyway?? Omg, I HATE that!

This weekend was a rough weekend for me. I was tested, devastated, hopeful, relieved, forgiving, and patient. All in about 24 hours. I'm fricking exhausted. I cannot WAIT to get back to the normal chaos of my new job!

This weekend our relationship was tested - more than I was prepared to have it tested. One question that came up was - what kind of example am I setting for my children? My daughter, who doesn't have a good relationship with her biological father, craves a male father figure. I swear, I would have never agreed to let him move in if I ever thought that he would not be able to fill those shoes. Even if that's not what HE had in mind, it's always what I have in mind - because I know she's searching for "him". That always has to be in my mind anytime I begin a relationship. And any man I've ever been seriously involved with knows that it's a high priority for me.

Thank you "k" for the email you sent today, that reminded me that the example we can set for our children is to learn from our stupidity and make better decisions in the future. As much as I would love to show my children the perfect relationship, there is no such thing, and they need to know that we're human and we're gonna make mistakes.

T and I both feel that this relationship was 'meant to be' and that God (our Higher Power) has led us to this point, but not before testing our true strength and faith in Him and ourselves. We know that this is going to be tough - nothing worth having is free or easy - but we both feel that with a LOT of patience, understanding, trust, and love - this can be something incredible.

And yes, from time to time we will screw it up - but we learn from our mistakes and grow stronger minute by minute, day by day.

Once everyone realizes that it IS all about me, we will all be a lot happier...

You see that blog down there that says “truly blessed”? Maybe I blessed myself a little prematurely (not really, but I’m feeling sorry for myself today – so roll with me for a minute)… I live with my best friend – tomorrow is our “one-month anniversary”. It actually makes me cringe to hear stuff like “one-month anniversary”, but I can’t help but feel we’ve accomplished something here.

One month ago tomorrow, I asked this man to give up his home, his job, and his way of life (in another state) to come live with me. For some unknown reason, he agreed and I jumped in my car and drove 15 hours to get him and bring him to Georgia.

For the next three weeks, this poor man endured my moods (most were NOT pretty), my constant need for reassurance (I am incredibly insecure with relationships), and my frequent “freak-out” episodes when things aren’t the way I think they should be (they should be perfect at ALL TIMES lol). I have no idea how he survived it. But he did. With the patience of Job, this man took a deep breath, smiled, and hugged me through all the crap I brought to the table.

And yesterday the table turned. OMG.

Yesterday, at approximately 3:04 pm EST, he turned into a first-class prick. I can call him that because that’s the word he used to describe himself last night. It didn’t matter what I did or said, he was coming back with a smart-ass response. Now I realize that 95% of all his responses are smart-ass and are usually hilarious – this man has a brain AND a incredible sense of humor – but the smart-ass comments last night were just irritating with little or no humor.
This morning, he was right back in the smart-ass saddle and the drive to work was NOT FUN.

And YES YES YES – I do realize that I MAY have contributed to his mood (I’m not saying I did – but just MAYBE I played some SMALL part), but remember, I’m feeling sorry for MYself (see first paragraph) so WHATever…

Here’s what makes me crazy: He’s put up with my bullshit for over 3 weeks… why can’t I put up with his for a couple of days (omg, please tell me it’s only a couple of days)??? The more I think about it the more frantic I become. Why do I expect HIM to be perfect all the time, but I allow myself to shift into bitch-mode with absolutely no advance notice? Am I really that selfish and self-centered? Wow- maybe it’s NOT all about me (ya think?)… Nahhhh… that can’t be it… must be something else.

T, if you’re reading this – I love you and I’m sorry. Happy one-month anniversary (STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES!)… lol

Truly Blessed

Today was my first day at my new job. WOW. Talk about a big dose of humility. Just when I thought I knew everything - I realized today that there is SO MUCH MORE that I have to learn!

I was with my last employer for almost 25 years (OK, THAT makes me feel old) and did the same job for the past 11 years - a job with a manager that gave me the freedom to do my job and explore new ways to get things done - a job that provided a good income and health insurance for a single mom with 2 children - a job that provided me with valuable experience in preparation for my new job - a job with awesome co-workers that far out-numbered (and out-mattered) the a-holes I had to deal with - a job that I was truly blessed to have.

Beginning today, I have an awesome new job with USDA - a job that comes with many new responsibilities - a job that seems overwhelming at times - a job that pays better than the last one (lol) - a job that will use my strengths and strengthen my weaknesses - a job that I am truly blessed to have.

This weekend I had dinner with friends - friends that accept me for who I am - friends that don't put up with my BS - friends that make me laugh - friends that open-minded - friends that I can trust - friends that I am truly blessed to have.

This week marks one month since my best friend came to live with me - a best friend that loves me for the twisted, dysfunctional person that I am - a best friend that openly recognizes his faults (and mine!) and works at correcting them - a best friend that makes me laugh even when I'm at my angriest - a best friend that is incredibly and unbelievably patient with me when I'm at my bitchiest - a best friend that is a little slow with "listening to what I'm trying to tell him" but eventually gets it and helps me work through it - a best friend that will do almost anything to make me happy - a best friend that I am TRULY BLESSED TO HAVE. (I love you T)

One of these days.... POW! Right in the kisser!!

Yesterday I had an incredible man in my life, an amazing daughter that am so very proud of, and all my laundry was caught up. Today? Well, let's see... I have a completely infuriating boyfriend who thinks computers are stupid (because he can't remember what he typed) and my daughter brings me dirty clothes she's been stockpiling for years (ok maybe not YEARS). I honestly don't know how she's found any clean clothes in her room.

I'm trying to be patient - I really am. Patience is not one of my strong points, but I'm really trying - I promise. I recently asked my best friend to move in with me. 12 days ago, I drove 15 hours round trip to go get him and bring him into my life. My kids think he's cool, the dogs don't even know I exist anymore. He has been an amazing improvement in my life. I keep using the word "amazing", but I don't know any other way to describe the way I feel when I'm with him. Except for today. OMG. I really wanna smack him today.

It's been over 6 years since I lived with a man (my ex, and that wasn't fun). I guess I've forgotten how stubborn and pig-headed they can be. Big problems don't phase him at all. I am freaking out, and he calmly and rationally figures out what to do - it's amazing to watch him work. But the little things? OMG - please let me smack him.

He's been working on a blog - my suggestion on how to release some stress and get his thoughts organized and documented. He's been typing away for days. Early this afternoon, he couldn't get into his account and brought the laptop to me. Now, why do you think he thought I could help? Because he knows that I know a thing or two about computers. Now, I'm not an expert, but I can find my way around and sometimes I amaze myself with my computer skills.

So, I figured out pretty quickly what he did wrong and tried to explain it. Did he listen? Hell no. I recognized "The Look" - you know the look that men give you when they're just waiting for you to finish whatever the hell you're saying (cause they're not listening) so they can explain to you what is wrong with your theory? As soon as I recognized "the look" I wanted to smack him. Seriously dude? You're gonna argue with me about a computer issue? Seriously? The goober typed in the wrong email address when he established his blog. He typed .com instead of .net. I have no doubt this is was the issue. Oh no, he says. He didn't do that. (smack) Yes, you did "honey". No, I didn't. (smack) Have you gotten any confirmation emails from blogger.com? What's a confirmation email? (smack) (sigh) An email that confirms that you HAVE THE RIGHT EMAIL ADDRESS. I don't know what you're talking about - I hate computers - they're stupid (SMACK)



God I love this man... (smack)

Did you know we were royalty?

I have had the most amazing week. I am Queen of Procrastinatia - the land of putting off everything until "tomorrow". Last weekend I had Friday Night Trivia (no way I'm missing that), Girls' Lunch & a Movie on Saturday. That was the extent of my plans. The rest of the weekend I was going to finish up my school projects (which I had all week to do), and prepare for my job interview on Monday morning. I take my duties as Queen seriously, so obviously I didn't start on school or interview prep until Sunday morning. Unfortunately, I miscalculated the time it would take me to finish my school projects and I didn't start on the job interview prep until around 9pm Sunday night. My daughter, Princess High from the island of Maintenance, was walking on eggshells all day with me... and I have to say - she is an awesome daughter and really supported me Sunday.

Anyway, I finished my projects, submitted them and got an A as my final grade for the class. YAY!

I prepped for the interview, apparently it worked, because I was offered the job on Tuesday. YAY!

Wednesday night at 9:30 pm, I got in my car, and drove 7 hours to pick up my BFF, turned around and drove back home. Now by BFF is living with me and things are awesome, mainly because HE is awesome. YAY!

ahhhh.. it's good to be Queen.

Turn Baby Turn!

ok... I hope I'm not jinxing anything here... but I feel like I'm turning a corner. It's scaring the crap out of me, but things are looking up. I have had a really tough two weeks (omg please tell me it can't get any worse!) and my patience, love, nerves, etc., has been tested. But I survived (and so did my children!) and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not only can I see the light, but I THINK I see a field of flowers at the end of the tunnel! (Not the kind I'm allergic too!)

I have re-connected with some awesome friends: **KAD**, SJC, TWS - you guys are AMAZING. I love you all so much and I'm blessed to have you in my life. Thanks for being there to lend an EAR.

Now. On to turning that corner...

Kamikaze Flies

I swear as I type there are two flies trying their best to give me a concussion. They have rammed my head at least 10 times in the last 30 minutes. If it wasn't so funny, it would really piss me off. I pick up the flyswatter and they disappear into thin air. I put it down to type and BAMM right into my head.

Is this another effect of Global Warming? Aggressive houseflies?? yikes.

It's a Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood....

Omg different day, different shit... I swear it's been something new every day this week.

First let me say that I LOVE my children. I will lay down my life for them... sometimes I want to lay down THEIR lives for what they put me through - but hey, their kids, it's their job, right?

Divorced mothers and fathers: it's all a points system... Don't EVEN try to tell me you don't keep score- I'll never believe you.

My daughter “Lola” was 11 when her father and I divorced and for the next 4 years she put me through hell (I gave a good bit back to her) and her father did nothing except open the gates of hell and try to push me in. As the years went by, and she began to see how much I struggled and tried to make a good life for her, she softened and realized how much I love her and how much I will do for her. I even took a part-time job and worked 70 hours a week for 9 months when her dad stopped paying child support. I don't understand how a father can ignore his daughter and not want to help support her. He never gave her anything extra and didn't pay much child support to begin with. I speak mainly about Lola because my son turned 18 shortly after the divorce. Anyway, time goes on and they grow farther apart, only speaking a few times a year (he lives about 15-20 min away).

Last weekend, my Ex-husband (I swear I'm gonna kick his ass one day) TOTALLY (dude), told my son that he wanted to give 17-yr-old Lola a car. So Lola goes crazy with excitement, and goes to see him. She comes home Monday on cloud nine. MAMA (my heart melts when she calls me mama) she says, DADDY (my head explodes when she calls him daddy lol) IS GIVING ME A CAR!! WHOOHOO! She describes the car and I listen patiently, thinking in my head "what's the catch?"... Then the other shoe drops... she says, "all it needs is a transmission". ALL it needs?? Seriously??? Now who do you think that THEY think is going to pay for the new transmission? In addition to the insurance, taxes, tag, maintenance, etc... I was so freakin pissed. That A-hole did it to me again. All he's doing is getting a piece of junk moved off his yard. He gets credit for giving her a car, and Kelly doesn't understand that's it not really a car if it doesn't run. He's not putting any money into this. It's not costing him a dime. Then, if Lola takes it, and I pay for the transmission, it will always be "the car that daddy gave me", who gives a crap about the several thousand dollar transmission... So now, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to talk to Lola without being the "Bad Guy" AGAIN.
Boys are stoopid
THEN, last night I'm watching the Republican convention. I told myself that I was going to be objective. Listen to what they had to say and carefully weigh my decision. Yeah right. 3 minutes into Joe Lieberman's speech I realized that they have more issues than I do... ANYWAY I smell something (not Joe’s speech!), but can't figure out what it is. I go to the hall and my heart skips a beat. My daughter... my beautiful daughter, with the GORGEOUS blonde hair - has colored her hair with a permanent BLACK magic marker. OMG. Her official senior class picture is in 5 days. I think I'm gonna kick her ass too.

AND for some reason, I'm feeling really unattractive and undesirable - hence yesterday's blog. I want to leave here (Georgia) so badly. It's killing me to wait until next summer/fall. I know I have to wait, but I'm miserable here. Seriously miserable.

Ok... can't see anymore through the tears. Gotta go blow my nose... how attractive is that? signed, snotty EAR

Looking for Like?

Sigh. Looking for Mr. Right is turning into looking for "Mr. I'll take watcha got." Why is this so difficult? Is there something so TERRIBLY repulsive about me that I can't seem to find anyone? I'm not a super model but I'm surely not super unattractive either (am i??? yikes). I'm fairly intelligent (I have a college degree-and-a-half), I feel I have a good sense of humor, and I make a decent salary. I'm definitely not a gold-digger (although having gold is a plus!)...

I just don't understand what the deal is. Sucks to be me right now.

Where's that damned line I'm not supposed to cross???

Another meltdown weekend. If you haven't figured out by now, I have issues. Most days I am on my game at work - i can kick ass at work. Home is a different story - I never know what is going on when I walk in the door. Will my 17 year old be home, and not out with friends that she hasn't told me about? Will my son be home earlier than unusal because either he or his boss got pissed off and SOMEONE lost their job (usually it's gonna be the son).

This weekend I was supposed to help my sister move. Everything was on schedule, meeting Saturday morning after breakfast. Friday night i get a call that my other sister, and her husband were on their way to help. They live in Alabama. I love my sister from Alabama, but her redneck, ignorant-ass husband is more than I can take. Which brings me to my question of the day.

How secret/serious does a "family secret" have to be to be buried with the only two people who know about it? I have held something inside of me for 30+ years. At first I dealt with it, in my awkward bad-decision-making teenage way. Then I dealt with in during 18 years of marriage - and it affected it and my attitude towards my ex. It has affected my self-image, and my ability to see the beauty in me. It has taking me a long time (too long) to understand that I am intelligent, funny, and I am capable of kickin ass when called upon. I still think that I am overweight (that one's pretty obvious), not pretty, and no way will I ever find a man who can love me the I want to be loved - only love me the way i think I deserved to be love. Not sure if any of that makes sense, but it's just kinda oozing out, and I have to type it before i lose it.

So, the closer i get to moving away from all this dysfunction, (349 days and counting) the more I am losing control of "dealing" with it. What's up with that????? geez. I swear I have no idea where to go from here.

Well, it's official. I sat in Superior Court today for 3 hours waiting on my 5 minutes of fame - and then had to share it with two other women. But after our 5 minutes were over, we were our own women again. I have legally changed my name back to my maiden name. I've been divorced for 5 years now, and I'm just now getting around to changing it back. It never really bothered me until I earned my Associates Degree in management last December - seeing my ex-husband's last name on my degree took some of the wind out of my sails and I knew I had to get rid of that name before I finished up my Bachelor's Degree. Anyway, the judge signed the order and the clerk entered it into the county's legal records so I did it.

Afterwards, I had lunch with my parents. I pretty much expected them (esp my mama) to just smile politely while in their minds they're thinking "another part of her divorce that we'll have to be reminded of." But they were actually happier than I expected. My daddy was like, "whoohoo welcome back to the Roberts family" (ok, he didn't actually say 'woohoo' but if that word was in his vocabulary, he would have used it then).

Anyway, I'm back to who I want to be. Well, the beginning of who I want to be... Onward and Upward!

One toke over the line...

My guilty pleasure*: ok... does anybody out there ever watch "Weeds" on Showtime? Oh my gosh that is the funniest show to me. Now - don't misunderstand - I don't smoke pot. Ok, MAYBE I did in my late teens and early twenties - not saying I did - just saying that MAYBE it happened...

I have SHO for $4.95 for 6 months - and I have no idea what I'm gonna do when that runs out. Anyway, this is one of the best shows on cable. If you haven't seen it, and you have SHO, watch it. If you don't have SHO, then rent a season on DVD. Hilarious. Mary-Louise Parker, Kevin Nealon, and Elizabeth Perkins are TOO FUNNY.


*thank you MTB for remembering that phrase for me! lol

Probably not a good thing to post at 4am...

For those of you who read my original post - I apologize... I have absolutely no recollection of posting that - which proves my point- probably not a good thing to post at 4am!

Not Too Late

I just returned from an incredible weekend with my sister and nieces in VA. I've been considering relocating to VA/DC for several years now but the thought of leaving everything I've ever known (in GA) completely freaks me out. Completely.

CMP gave me a "good talkin to" about the good and bad of living up there - bur more so she gave me an amazing insight in to my life. How does she know me so well? We see each other 3-4 times a year, and rarely email each other (she doesn't do small talk), but she really hit some sensitive spots (some I still don't agree with!), and helped me to see what I'm really missing in my life - a life.

Yesterday, a friend sent me an email with a link to TD Jakes' daughter's wedding pictures. Bishop Jakes is an amazing person and I have the utmost admiration for him. After looking through the pictures and reading his thoughts of his daughter's wedding day, I clicked on "thought of the day." BAMM. Check this out:

NOT TOO LATE
You must remember that no matter where you are, it's not too late to start over, begin anew or grow to a higher level. You have everything you need to reposition yourself, to throw off the limitations of others, and to thrive. Like a mighty oak or a beautiful rose, you are destined for greatness, growing taller into maturity, flourishing with an inner beauty yet to be released. Go forward, my brothers and sisters, and get started-your life without limits awaits!

Guess I better start packing....

Oh happy day??

wow.. it's really been a month since I last blogged? geez...time flies.

ok... I have new medicine right? it's been 3 weeks, and I am beginning to feel a little better, but I've noticed that I'm thirsty all the time and I sweated (is sweated a word? it doesn't sound right!) so much this weekend that I took 2 showers on Saturday and Sunday... then I look at the side effects of the medicine...
Other common side effects included dry mouth, constipation, decreased appetite, fatigue, sleepiness, and increased sweating.
CAN'T I HAVE THE DECREASED APPETITE???? oh no my friend, you're getting all the other fun stuff:

I'm tired, constipated, thirsty , and sweaty
... ain't that a nice picture?

Now, this medicine is supposed to help with depression... how many tired, constipated, sweaty, thirsty, HAPPY people do you know????

Rah, Rah, Sis Boom Bah

Just as an update - I made it through Statistical Analysis with an A! Don't ask me how, it seems like a distant, far away memory now... but it wasn't so bad... that magic 8 Ball was a life saver!

Roll out the Harold...

This week my family mourned the death of my Uncle Harold, 78. I wasn't his favorite niece (can't quite figure out why M was...), but I always got credit for remember his birthday - he always forgot that mine was the day before and that's how I always remembered his.

I grew up with him always being around - he live around the corner from us and he visited my grandma and granddaddy who lived with us. My whole family has a great sense of humor, and he was no exception. His was a dryer sense of humor (no pun intended on his amazing talent of fixing dryers and washers), and it would sneak up on you without warning.

my favorite example: he used to torment my mother by telling her he wanted the "Beer Barrel Polka" played at his funeral. No sad songs. My mother would look at him in horror and say "Oh Harold, you don't mean that!". He said, "yes i do - but instead of singing 'roll out the barrel' everyone has to sing 'roll out the Harold'" and then he'd start singing it which would make my mother more horrified at the thought of singing that song in church. We'd all laugh and move on to something else.

Friday, at his funeral, people stood up and told stories about what a wonderful, funny, caring man he was and I couldn't help thinking through my tears about that song. We sang "How Great Thou Art" and some really pretty song about forgiveness. Then, after the minister said his final prayer, just before we were to roll the casket out of the sanctuary, there it was. My sister V and I couldn't help but laugh (I got a couple of horrified looks for laughing during a funeral) as "Roll Out the Harold" sounded from the organ.

What a great way to go Uncle Harold. Ill miss you and your amazing sense of humor. You certainly got the last laugh. I love you.

We are Fam-i-ly

I spent Mother's Day with my family. Missing my sister who doesn't live near, and enjoying the company of my parents, my aunt, and my sisters and brother who do.

We start the afternoon off with chips and dips (enough to spoil your appetite for the burgers and dogs) and laughter and catching up. Before lunch we have our usual prayer to bless our meal. My mama said the prayer and she asked God for a special blessing for her daughter that wasn't there, and continued blessings for those present. Then she paused. I'm not sure if it was for reflection, or time for her to compose herself before continuing. Sometimes she gets emotional praying for her loved ones, especially her children.

I remember then why I love my children so much. Because my mama loves me. No matter what. No matter how stupid my actions, no matter how irresponsible I am - she always loves me. I'm sure there are times when she loves me more, but I know there are NEVER times when she loves me less. I honestly believe she is incapable of loving me less.

Both of my parents have taught me to be a good person. I'm not always successful, but it's because of my own selfishness that I sometimes fail. My children know that I love them, and I hope that they know that I love them unconditionally just as my parents love me.

Things my mother taught me:

1. don't mess with your hair in the kitchen or anywhere around food
2. wash your hands after the bathroom and before you touch any food
3. it doesn't matter if your kids are embarrassed - knowing what they are up to at all times - friends, school, home - even going to school to talk to the teachers - is your parental right and responsibility
4. don't talk about monkeys at the table
5. take care of your skin when you're young - the sun is not your friend (she has great skin - you'd never know she's 77)

Happy Mother's Day Mama... I love you.

Statisically Speaking...

Ok, say a prayer for me please. I've just entered my first week of Statistical Analysis. I was really nervous before class, but I received my textbook in the mail and I was immediately relieved - the title was ELEMENTARY STATISTICS. Yay - we're starting out easy! With the heart of a 5th grader (it's elementary, remember?) I opened the book. Crap. I'm in trouble...

So, I get in my car (which, by the way has gas with gold flakes in it - why else would it cost so much?) and shoot on over to Wal-Mart to prepare myself for this class. Brand new notebook, dividers, pencils with BIG erasers, and my most important school supply - a Magic Eight Ball.

The first chapter is The Nature of Probability and Statistics. What's the probability that I'll squeak through this class and maintain my current 4.0 GPA? Magic Eight Ball says:












Sigh. The last chapter is about Chi-Square. What's the probability of me going to Starbucks for a Chai-T instead? Magic Eight Ball says:





Yessss... things are lookin up...

As God as my witness...

wow... today was a tough day. For those of you that know me, you know I struggle with depression. Okay, you probably do, but if you didn't know, now you do. It seems to have gotten worse in the last few years - and I don't understand that, because to me, my life is better than it was a few years ago. I've been divorced for 6 years, and the first few years after were crazy, but i was happy. Then i realized I had had to get my act together, so I settled down to the business of being a responsible adult. Yes, I've made mistakes since then, and I still make mistakes, but I'm trying...

to summarize: first three years - crazy but happy; last three years - calmer but increasingly depressed. Am I such a selfish person that being "grown up" is depressing? Am I only happy when I don't give a flip about being a responsible person? I guess if I knew the answers, I might be less depressed. who knows...

I absolutely LOVE my job - it's sad to say that it is were I'm most happy. As much as I love my job, that depresses me sometimes too. My job is great. I love what I do, and my managers respect my opinions and knowledge. Sometimes I have a bad day when I'm reminded that there are people in my office who get paid a lot more than me but do a lot less, and care even less than that. But, I keep pushing forward, hoping that some day LH's words will come true: "things happen for a reason".

Ok, so while I'm writing all this, I'm reminded that I have so much to be thankful for. Why am I such a big ole whiny baby? lol that just depresses me more. So I decided to make a list of things I'm thankful for:

1. my kids - they've got their issues too, but they are amazing people

2. my dogs - who love me no matter what

3. my friends - (see number 2)

4. my family - they love me and I love them. period.

5. my job (p.s. if you're reading this and owe a defaulted student loan, contact me - we'll work something out - it's irresponsible not to pay back the government for letting you further your education!)

6. this blog, for allowing me to vent and empty out my sometimes empty thoughts.

ok, things aren't so bad - the day is almost over and I fight to live another day. As Katie Scarlett O'Hara would say "After all, tomorrow is another day" y'all...

my gURLfriend

M, you are too funny. You make me laugh, sometime when I don't even want to. You are funny, smart, and a great friend. You're always there when I need you - and even when I don't! Thanks for the good advice, and for always lending an EAR...

U R Laughing aren't ya?

my GRRRRRLS

Rebel - what a sweetheart you are. Most of the time. You have really tried my patience this week. Why do you insist on climbing the fence when I've told you a million times NO NO NO?? Still, when you come home, you give me those sweet "I'm sorry mommy, I won't do it again (until next time)" eyes, and I melt.

My dogs, Chevy, Lacey, and Rebel (who's actually my son's dog) without a doubt are my "bestest" friends. When I'm happy, they know extra doggie treats are coming. When I'm angry, they know to steer clear of Mama until things settle down. And when things settle down, they are there - with their unconditional love. When I'm sad, they know it before anyone else does, and there is always a head in my lap, a kiss on my cheek to wipe the tears, or simply a warm puppy to cuddle with.

to my girls: thanks for those floppy, always alert, and always attentive EARs.

How do you mend a broken heart?

To Lola, my baby girl, I love you so much. My heart aches for all the pain that you feel. I wish I could hide you away and protect you from all the bad people in the world who have hurt you (even myself).

I know that you're growing up - as much as I tried to stop it - but I can't fight that maternal instinct I have to keep you with me forever. As ridiculous as it would look, nothing would make me happier than to put you in my lap, with your head on my shoulder, one hand holding your baby doll, and a paci in your mouth.

We have our good times, and we certainly have our bad times (wow, there have been some doozies!) my little Princess High from the Island of Maintenance.

Yes, I know I'm your mother, and it's not my job to be your best friend, but always know that I'm here for you - always. and I'm always here to lend an EAR.

if you love something, blah, blah, blah...

You know that saying, "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back..." whatever. I don't even remember how to say it correctly. I cannot think of a single time in my life that this theory has worked. The butterfly I "owned" for a full 2 hours when I was eight. I loved that butterfly with all my heart. It was my bestest friend. Do ya think it even gave me a second thought when I set it free? All the boyfriends I thought weren't attentive enough... I set them free and someone was always there to snatch em right up...

Which brings me to my "point of the day". J, if you're out there, I miss you. I let go because I realized that our friendship was putting you in a difficult situation. But I really miss our girl's getaways (I still have that bottle of wine), laughing until we cried and our stomachs hurt, and just talking. I DON'T miss that one enchanted evening with Jose Cuervo. wow. I still think I have the best tattoo ever. I remember the MEGA margaritas we had to drink to summon the courage for our upper-ear piercing. MAN that really hurt! I think about you every time I hear ACDC blasting from my daughter's room - and I miss you.

Yay - it's Friday!

I cannot WAIT until tomorrow morning. Funny thing is, I probably won't remember it. You see, one of my favorite things to do is sleep late. I LOVE to sleep in. The problem with sleeping in is you're asleep, so you don't realize you're doing it. Not until you wake up. Then it's over. Sometimes I set my alarm for 5:00 am, just so I can turn it off and roll over - that way I have about 5 minutes of realizing I'm going to sleep in.

In other news, my baby (he's 24) bought his first "real" car today! He's beside himself with joy - his stressed-out mom is beside herself with worry. Please make timely payments - credit it a terrible thing to waste - keep your insurance current, and please please please buckle up and drive safely. His worry? He has to give up his beloved truck that his Grandpa gave him. That truck is the biggest piece of junk you can imagine, but means more to him and anything in this world. Mostly because his Grandpa gave it to him. My son loves his Grandpa. My dad has been the father figure and role model that my son has needed his entire life and he is the best dad in the whole world.

allrighty. That's enough for today. Can't see to type through the tears anyway.

thanks for lending an EAR.

EARS to you...

It's been a long day today, but I'm really glad I showed up at work... I was reminded that I have great co-workers (most of them), and even greater friends. Friends who care about me and my well-being.

Some of my friends are probably reading this post (M, L, C, and S) - and I hope they know that I truly value their friendship. I know that I'm moody and can be a pain in the butt sometimes (L, did you just roll your eyes??), but I also know that I'm smart, funny, and I love my friends - and that's why they love me.

S told me today that she loved the donkey... then she said, "or is it a jack-ass?" My response: depends on what mood I'm in at the moment.

To my friends and family: thanks for lending an EAR.

ok... here we go...

allrighty. This is my first attempt at blogging, so bear with me. I have been in a deep state of depression for the last three days, and I thought I would add blogging to my long list of attempts at therapy.

I had a massage scheduled for tonight, but my therapist had a last-minute emergency, so I sit here tired, depressed, and un-massaged.

I have so much to write, i mean type, but I don't want to overwhelm you. It's a lot. I'm 43, and I feel like I'm heading in to my second mid-life crisis. The first one was at around 35, and consisted of an upper ear-piercing, a tattoo, and oh yeah, a divorce (definitely the best of the three).

This one doesn't seem to be so easy to fix.

Thanks for lending your ear...